Football '15 Week 1: Here We Go Again.

       I was all ready to root for the Steelers to clean the Patriots clocks Thursday evening, because even as an unabashed Brady apologist, I would like to see a little karmic retribution for them.  Then I watch the pregame show and got reminded why I hate the Patriots haters in the first place.  They gave the softball lob to Tony Dungy to talk about all the "new" spygate evidence and he sits there and starts pontificating.  Now, Dungy likes to portray himself as this holy man of god above all reproach, even though his list of sins and failures is long and luxurious.  He's such a "man of god" he allowed his sons to become junkies through his absentee fatherism and one of them killed themselves.  His early-aught Colts teams were constantly out-hustled and out-muscled by the Patriots in ways that had nothing to do with stealing signs or game plans and all the Colts could ever do is whine about it and demand rules changes.  Oh, and one of those rules was for golden boy Peyton Manning to be able to handle and control his footballs before the game, you know, the rule that led to the entire Ballghazi debacle.  Not to mention those Colt teams pumped crowd noise into their moribund stadium all the time and only won their one Super Bowl because of that.  But oh no, Tony Dungy is such a good man and Bill Belichick is such a scumbag. 


Two other teams were charged with major rules violations in the off season but because it was the Browns and the Falcons - two teams that have never won anything ever - no one even cares.  But because the Patriots win, everyone jumps on them and calls them out for every perceived infraction when every team and coach would look just as awful and devious if they were put under the microscope the way the Pats are.  Hell, after the game, the Steelers couldn't stop making fools of themselves, blaming New England for hacking their headphone communications and Big Ben  - another paragon of virtue if there ever was one - decided that a simple defensive shift was cheating.  Seriously, if it weren't for paranoia there would be no emotion for the Pats at all.

       It comes down to the fact that in a business where multiple billions of dollars are at stake, there are no rules except the ones you can get away with breaking.  So once again, fuck everyone and their short-sighted homerism and misguided misunderstanding of how pro football works (and has always worked).  I hope the Pats rip through the league again 16-0.   I hope Brady throws for 6000 yards and 60 touchdowns and every week Giselle brings her supermodel friends in for multiple post-game orgies.  Of course, I'd then like the Saints to beat them in the Super Bowl, but that goes without saying.  What it comes down to is, maybe everyone should look at their own team and wonder what they are or aren't doing to win and leave the damn Pats alone.

Football '13 Week 20: Championship Week. (Here We Go Again)

       You probably think that little parenthetical statement is about Tom Brady vs. Peyton Manning but sadly, it is not.  It seems that this year is following the exact same pattern as last year in terms of my blogging - I got off to a good start at the new year but then got the flu and then during that sickness get very very depressed.  It happened last year and it would seem it is happening this year.  I have been sick as a dog all of the last week and instead of following up on my Hall of Fame rants, I have been dormant and feeling terrible.  Well, I am gonna try to work through that shit this time around.  Please bear with me while I do.

Unfortunately, there is not much to get worked up about in my world about these football games.  We have all been through Brady vs. Manning in the playoffs before and I don't see how anything that happens in this game changes either one's legacy.  Tom Brady is what he is.  Peyton Manning is what he is.  And neither one of these teams is as good as either of the NFC offerings, especially on the defensive side of the ball.  Plus, the last time I checked, there is 21 other players on the field and they might have a bit to say about what happens in the game.  

The team I hate least of the remaining teams is the Patriots, but as I have stated before, while all my New England living made me love the Red Sox, the same never happened to me about the Pats.  I don't root for Tom Brady but one can't help but respect him, though no man in the NFL has more haters than Tom Brady.  I guess that is why I want to side with him - Tom Brady has a whole swath of football fans who need to just shut the hell up.  I mean, a restaurant in Denver had this sign up outside completely forgetting that if that is true, he is no doubt wearing the panties of the Brazilian supermodel he just got done banging who happens to be his wife.  Rough life, that Tom Brady.

The late game is the San Francisco 49ers vs. the Seattle Seahawks and well, let me just make this point: I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, fucking hate the 49ers.  As a counterpoint: I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, fucking hate the Seahawks.

My hatred for the Niners is decades old.  I hated them when they used to play the Giants and hate them now when they play the Saints.  My anger toward them is an old spouse.  The Seahawks, on the other hand, is a new found hatred (much like all their bandwagon fans).  I never had an opinion about the Seahawks but then four years ago the Beast Mode run happened, now I can't stand them.  I can't stand Pete Carroll, I can't stand Russell Wilson, I can't stand the aforementioned Beef Moe, and I certainly can't stand every single player of their defense.  My anger towards them is a torrid new affair. 

When these things come to a head, what usually happens is you go back to your wife.  I cannot measure my complete and utter dislike for these teams with existing technology but the one little thing that I would enjoy watching for two weeks is people pick apart Colin Kaepernick the way they do individually but on the national stage.  Much like Tom Brady, Kaepernick has haters - and why do they hate him?  Because he has tattoos...the horror!  Because he wears his cap backwards on the sideline and during interviews...oh the humanity!  Most of these haters?  50-year-old-plus white male sportswriters.  It would be hilarious if it weren't so sad.  So it would be very pleasing to hope that a few of these dinosaurs will say something so awful and racist during the Super Bowl bye week that they lose their jobs.  Yup, I guess I am rooting for schadenfreude.

Football '13 Week 16: A Passing Record.

       This afternoon Peyton Manning set the all time single season record for passing touchdowns with his 51st.  He did this in his 15th game of the season which means he could add to this total before the regular season ends.

Peyton Manning: Center square, er, rectangle.

Sure, this is quite an impressive accomplishment to add to his resume (for a second time, even) but let's analyze the last few seasons in which the TD record had been broken...

1963: YA Tittle, 36 touchdowns.

Y.A. Tittle: middle right

Team result: Lost NFL Championship game. 

1984: Dan Marino, 48 touchdowns.

Team result: Lost Super Bowl.

2004: Peyton Manning, 49 touchdowns.

Team result: lost AFC Championship game.

2007: Tom Brady, 50 touchdowns.

Team result: lost Super Bowl.

I see a very inauspicious pattern here.  You have to go back to 1961 and George Blanda to the last time a quarterback set the touchdown record and won a title - and he did it in the AFL.  To get to the last time an NFL quarterback did it, you need to go back two years further to 1959 and John Unitas.  So cherish your new record Peyton because your playoff history and the last 50 years of NFL history shows that it might be all you get this year.

Football Week 20: Championships.

       I find three of the teams in this Championship final four despicable, each one more than the next.  I hate the Ravens because of the Colts betrayal and Ray Lewis.  I hate the 49ers generally because of their dominance of the 1980's and specifically because they knocked my Saints out of the playoffs last year in ridiculous fashion (it is sad that the Saints will go down as the only team to ever lose to Alex Smith in the playoffs).  The Falcons are, well, the Falcons...sworn enemy of the Saints; watching them win the Super Bowl in our home stadium would be like watching Hitler take the oath of office on the Wailing Wall. So with that bit of overwrought hyperbole out of the way, all that means is that I am halfheartedly rooting for the Patriots and to be honest, I am not too keen on watching Tom Brady and Bill Belichick lift another Lombardi Trophy either. So most of the joy has gone out of my football watching.  In fact, if there were any good movies to go see, I would probably ditch these games all together and go out.

I am going to take this opportunity to tell the tale of my fanhood of a certain Brett Favre.

I was on the Brett Favre bandwagon early.  Before he became a retiring dick-texting attention whore, he was a Vicodin addict.  This was way back in the early 90's when he just got the job as starting quarterback for the Packers.  Favre was not on my radar until he came out and admitted he had a problem with painkillers and checked himself into rehab.  He may not have been the first, but he was the first sports star I could remember who went to rehab on his own, rather than only after being caught and/or being arrested.  I respected that highly, having had a little issue with drugs and alcohol myself. 

So I became a Favre collector.  He was a great quarterback and sympathetic figure until... and that is the kicker.  There was a point where if Brett Favre had either retired or just switched teams honestly, we all wouldn't hate Brett Favre.  But, alas he didn't follow this path.  In 2007, he forced a trade to the Jets (a team I hate) after he had retired after years of threatening to retire.  Then he went to the Vikings and every year became a retirement deathwatch.  He became an insufferable ass.  Plus, on ESPN, before there was Tim Tebow, there was Brett Favre.  I think we have all forgotten that.

By the time the 2009 season had rolled around, I had long disavowed any rooting interest in Brett Favre.  My Favre jersey was way way in the back of my closet, waiting to be used as a painting coverall, and my Favre player collection had been pared way way down.  Then came the most joyous moment in my football watching life...

The New Orleans Saints had made it to the NFC Championship game and, being season ticket holders to the team, I drove down in one 21 hour shot to watch the game.  Not only did the Saints win in glorious fashion, they put a final "fuck you" on to the career of Brett Favre, as he threw the crushing interception that led to the tying points that sent the game into overtime.  Plus, the Saints beat the ever living hell out of him all game.  It was a very satisfying victory indeed.  I wish today's games could be as good, but I do hope there are some moments that lead to a feeling of satisfaction as thrilling for some team. 

Football Week 19: Division.

       The divisional playoff weekend is usually your best in terms of quality and quantity of postseason football, or so goes the old cliche.  I usually don't buy into conventional wisdom, but damn, those games on Saturday were pretty spectacular.  I have been getting over the death flu that has been going around, plus I have been very busy actually working like a grown up, so I was riveted to my couch all Saturday.  No one saw the Ravens going into Denver and winning and the 49ers rode their rookie quarterback, literally, to victory.  After watching in person what Colin Kaepernick was capable of doing to a team, I was not too shocked to see what he did to the Packers.

Today we have a couple of games that will go a long way to determining a few legacies.

I lived in Boston for 12+ years and while I fell in love with the Red Sox, I never did get around to falling for the New England Patriots.  Oh sure, I paid attention to the team while I was there, but I never jumped on the bandwagon.  I had many friends who were Tom Brady lunatics and I rooted for them in all three of their Super Bowl wins.  I did not, however, root for them in their two loses to the Giants.  I think for Tom Brady to cement his legacy as one of the top 5 all time great quarterbacks, he has to win the big one one more time, and I think this year might be his last shot.

The other team with something to prove today is the Atlanta Falcons.  They have been a no show in the playoffs in their last 4 trips, and if they don't win today as the #1 seed, they might never.

Oh, one more thing, I scanned this page a while ago:

What the hell was I thinking?  No, really.  I cannot for the life of me figure out what the connection is that any of these players has with anyone else.  This is not a contest or anything, I would just really like to know.  If anyone can figure out what I was thinking, please tell me in the comments.

Football Week 17: Wintry Mix.

       It has snowed here in northern New Jersey three times this week.  This amount alone triples the snow days we had last year (i.e., the infamous Halloween storm); it was even a White Christmas around here.  It is a pity, though, that is is not supposed to snow today, because today is the final regular season Sunday and snow is football's natural habitat.

I have a niche collection of football cards featuring pictures in the snow, presented here so you can take in all the furious flurry glory:

You see here some usual suspects: New England, Buffalo, New York.  Seeing Barry Sanders in the snow is odd, since he spent his home games in a dome.  And while Brett Favre belongs in the snow, seeing Drew Brees (as a Charger no less) in the white stuff is a trip. And while I am not a card identifying sleuth like some, that 2011 Tom Brady card has a picture that is probably from the December 12, 2010 game vs. the Bears. 

I am surprised, really, that card companies don't use more snow pictures, since they look 100x more awesome than regular action pictures.

Here you have more New England (obviously another from that aforementioned Bears game), some Cleveland and Pittsburgh, and an awesome shot of a Giant stuffing a Bronco in Denver.  You also have another Brett Favre, and it makes sense that I have two of him in the snow, but I also have two cards of Steve McNair in the snow, and since he played his home games mostly in Houston and Tennessee, I find that a little weird. These are all the snow cards I own; if you have one you would like to donate or trade me, don't hesitate to let me know. 

My football watching will be slightly muted today.  The Saints have been out of it for a couple of weeks now, and seeing them beating up on a Panthers team that never cared this season is not high on my list of priorities.  It is good news that they locked up Sean Payton for the next 5 years, so we won't have another off-season soap opera.  I look forward to the Saints reloading next year for a wonderful eff-you season.

The Giants, on the other hand, have a slight chance to make the playoffs.  How slight?  Well, this slight (click on it, I'll wait).  The Giants have to win (which has been quite a trick lately) and then the Vikings, Bears, and Cowboys all have to lose.  While all of these circumstances are not impossible, all of them coming together at the same time is unlikely.  So it will likely be a very somber playoff time here.  If the Giants make the dance, I will be rooting for them, if not, I will pick a team to root for next week - yes I plan on doing this through the Super Bowl - and jump on the bandwagon with both feet.  Until then, I think I'll go outside and throw some snowballs at children and on coming cars.